Unzipped...

Unzipped...

I have heard the following quotes several times in the last few months... "You are too young to be going through this!" , "You don't look sick!" ,"Your too young to have a pacemaker!","You look fine to me" ( I had a nurse say that when I was in the hospital, not even looking at my chart or my vitals) ...

Of course I agree, with the fact that I feel too young to be going through this, but it just is. I cannot change it now. I must admit, that hearing people say these things to me is building into a frustration. How do a respond to any of these statements? "Oh I look fine, well then send me home, I must be OK, I don't really want to be here anyways!" "Or, I am too young, I am going to cancel this surgery and wait until I am 65!" I am glad I am being told I do not look sick, I certainly am not going for the "sickly" appearance! I try very hard to not look sick although I have feel like I look haggard at the end of the day a lot lately! I know that this post sounds a bit sarcastic or angry, especially for me. I have tried very hard to be positive in any thing that I put out into cyber space. I do not want to be "Debbie Downer", I want to be the person full of energy and positivity. I do feel like I have spots of being positive throughout this experience. Honestly, I am at the most positive emotionally and mentally being prepared to have the surgery than I have been during this entire journey. If I can single out this part of my life and put all the outside factors going on in my family , I am ready. I am ready to take this on and feel better! I feel like this is going to be the catalyst to feeling physically better. In fact I am so positive about how much better I will feel after the surgery, that I hope I am not setting myself up for disappointment!

So next time you see someone that is ill or is going through emotional issues, mentally unzip them! Not in a sexual way, I am not talking about unzipping clothing, think about unzipping the skin, and realizing that there is more going on inside people than the eye may see. I am not suggesting that you don't try to give encouraging words! I know I need those, and I have been surrounded by people that have blessed me with encouragement! Just take a moment, and think about the words you are saying, and what could be possible responses to those words?

I Hope that I am getting my point across well. I am not intending to judge statements people have made to me, only to admit that they are starting to weigh on me and I have allowed them to discourage me. That is my challenge, something I need to work on.

THANK YOU to all those to have been positive , encouraging, and have listened to me whine!

Exposed...

Thats how I felt this past week... Most of you know what I went through, and I don't need to elaborate on that. When you are in the hospital all privacy ,control and modesty seems to go out the window. I think about 50% of the hospital staff saw parts of my body that I am not too confident about sharing with the general public.
Because of that I started really thinking about the state of my health in a holistic way, not just physical ; mind ,body, and emotions.
I felt surrounded by love and compassion, and it caused me to reflect upon my self and ask if I offer that to others around me. Love , and care is very valuable to healing and trauma. Just having someone look me in the eyes when they ask how I am or having a Doctor sit in my room and go over things with me rather than having his hand on the door or looking at his watch the whole time. Also being surrounded with prayers and loving friends and family seemed to make me have a sense of calm that I don't think I would otherwise have.
I also feel a drive to make a pointed effort to eat more healthy and become more active. I guess I am the kind of person that needs to hit a brick wall before she changes some things in her life, I am not sure why, I know how I want to feel, yet the pace of my life and events in the last year have caused me to stay stagnant and not change anything. I felt venerable and exposed!
I asked Luke the other day if asked me any question he ever wanted to ask me, I would try to answer it as fully as I felt appropriate. He hardly hesitated, and asked" Why didn't you graduate from college?" OUCH! I don't know why but I wasn't expecting that. I explained why ( If you want to know read my blog from a few months ago) Exposed!
Will I change? Will I take a holistic approach to it? How about you? Are there areas in your life that you want to change but feel stalled or held back from doing so? If so why? Sometimes I feel that my hopes and dreams are selfish so I don't pursue them, because I am not just an individual I am part of a family unit. Sometimes we just can't hide how we are feeling anymore, whether it be physical or emotional.
Sometimes we feel exposed!