Swimming Lesson

I have become a pen pal with a person I met when we went to volunteer at Kingdom meal ministries at the Salvation Army, with Jon and Ang about a month or so ago. His name is Stephen and he kept saying, "boy I wish someone would write to me"-and I thought, I love to write letters. I always tell my friends how much I love paper, special pens and how I see "snail mail" correspondence as a dying art. So, I thought, what better thing to offer than to be someones pen pal? Over the last several weeks Stephen and I have written about 8 letters between the two of us. His handwriting and verbiage is that of a young child, he seems to be mentally at that level, according to the style and content of his letters. It is endearing, and very innocent. He always tells me that he loves getting my letters. I am very clear when I write to him that I am happily married, and have three children. In the last letter he told me that I was his best friend, his special friend, forever and always. As I read that over I thought "Oh boy, have I got in over my head?" . I wonder what imposes such a fear within us? All the sudden I came to the realization that I cannot stop writing to him because he has put me in a role of being very important to him. I also had a bit of fear , because he wants to know where I work, and where the kids go to school and where John works, and i keep thinking what if he stalks me?
Last night, as I went to bed and tried to saturate a very long emotional weekend, I kept thinking about people that depend on me. I had quite a tough "mom of a teenager" weekend, and having her tell me that she is almost 18, and I shouldn't worry, and I should just let her make her own curfew, and then having her very ill the next day with a high fever, painful ears and throat, and asking if she could sleep in my bed, and wanted me to hold her head against my shoulder to ease the pain, and also to comfort her, I am sure. She also apologized for the night before, and I think she realizes she depends on me. She committed to trying to show John and I more respect than she had this weekend, hopefully it wasn't the fever talking.
Putting the two together I am starting to realize that the way I can be a support to others is just to be "ME". I love to write, so put all my fears aside and keep on writing, joyfully to Stephen(using common sense, and not giving him all my personal info) yet offering what I have, and that is my love to write, and read letters.
I can show love to Leah, by continuing to pray for her , and offering her my shoulder, and my love, even when I am angry at her, even when she makes me think, "boy I'm in over my head!"

Well, I can swim, pretty well, and I love to swim.

I need to remind myself that when I think that I am "in over my head", that I don't need to be afraid.

I know how to "swim", I won't drown.

Supermom??

I hope you all read my profile and realize that the "supermom" title is tongue in cheek. I am very ready to say that I fall short of that stereotype, and am very glad of it. I often am amused when a friend asks me for advice....I often feel very incompetent when it comes to dishing out parenting advice. I think the best I have given was to simply Love them. How do we love as a parent ? I know there are books, written, sermons preached ,arguments had, marriages destroyed over this question. My answer is a question, how don't we love? I can think of times that I have to step back and just look at what I am doing as a parent. For example, the other day John, Luke and I were headed back from the airport from dropping off Lynds, and I am sure I was a little sad, and into my own emotions, and really not focused on anything but ME! Luke kept saying Mom, give me your camera, I want to take a picture of that cloud b/c it looks like a bull... and I wouldn't let him have it...WHY??? I have no clue... very bummed he slumped down in his seat and asked me, "Why do you have to be like that???" Well, I got defensive at first, and it took me about eight hours to realize that I was very unreasonable, and as I was journaling at bedtime, I realized that I don't want to be "like that"... Luke was in bed, but just went to bed, and I went to talk to him to tell him I was sorry, and I want him to be able to take joy in seeing things in nature, and I want him to get excited about things like clouds! I love taking photographs, and why wouldn't I want him to share that love!? He was still kinda sad about it, and I am very glad that I didn't ignore the nudging I was getting to say something and talk about it. Too many times we just act "like that" and move on, without addressing it. I am sure that I can come up with may other examples of situations with Lyndsay and Leah also. All I can say is I try to love them the best I know how.
So, supermom? NOT.....
Imperfect mom, yes, and thats OK!

Flowers, they look like us

I went to Fellows Riverside Gardens this past Sunday with some friends, our intention was to pray and enjoy the beauty of the surroundings. We broke off by ourselves or in couples for a while.I felt drawn to start photographing the flowers. Normally I don't spend a lot of time looking closely at flowers, but as I zoomed in on them, through my lens, I saw the uniqueness of each one...some were seemingly perfect, some were ate up with disease, some were wilted, and some were brand new, some were broken, and some were small and some were large.

As we gathered back together the discussion began. The gardens sit right on the edge of Y-town, polluted, one of the largest murder rates in the nation, the edge of this beautiful garden is right by the bustling highway. I have been reading the Beautiful Mess by Rick McKinley, and the title of that book seemed like a good way to describe where we were sitting , right in a beautiful mess. When we closed out eyes to pray, the sounds became more intense. I could hear the highway sounds, on one side, then I could hear birds chirping, and children laughing on the other side.

Beauty combined with mess. Isn't that what life is?

We like the flowers ,are a combination of perfection (patterned after Jesus) and disease,brokenness, we are wilted, small, large, new, young and old, and yet with all those factors, we create a beautiful image.

I took the picture below, along with others, and as you look at it, the first impression is beauty, color. As you look closer, (click on it to enlarge)you can see a disease ridden leaf, small flowers, large ones, dying ones, beautiful ones.

Look a little closer the next time you see a group of flowers, think about how we are like them. They were created to be beautiful, and yet need nurturing.

Hair on the floor...

Lyndsays home and I am loving it... I really did miss her, and this seems like the last trip that she will make that will last this long. Once she starts her career, she will be committed to a full time work schedule, and will assume the responsibility and pressure of carrying her own health insurance (she is dropped off of ours since she graduated), bills, rent, groceries,etc. She actually has been responsible of everything on the list beyond the health insurance since she moved away. She is a very responsible independent person, and I admire that. I mention it because I feel like once she starts working in her career, she will be limited to that one or two weeks a year vacation that most Americans are limited to , and sometimes can not even enjoy.Well, that's a long lead in to this blog...
Since she has been home, our dining room has been transformed into a salon. As some of you know we recently remodeled our dining room, and our old home doesn't have many rooms that are 100% remodeled. Being a tiny bit anal, the first day I saw the hair dye come out in that room, I panicked inside. I thought "Great! now this room will have dye staining the floor, and it will be a mess!" I wanted her to express her creativity and talent, yet I was so worried about the room, that I kept following her around with a spray bottle of bleach, and a broom, then something amazing happened. I sat down for a minute and observed the community feeling that was beginning to develop. People were pulling in and out of the driveway and gathering around my table for more than food. Conversations were developing and strangers were being introduced to each other, people were gathering that were not even getting a hair service done. Many emotions are evoked when one allows someone to cut or dye their hair; venerability, bravery, freedom, fear, anger, hope for a change, separation anxiety (from the lost hair!) ,change, confusion, indecisiveness, regret, amusement, excitment, happieness, the list could go on. Being in an enviroment where those emotions are flying around the room, and seeing transformation happen in a matter of an hour or two is very symbolic , and interesting. I keep wondering how I can create an environment that can continue to have the same type of gathering and conversation continue...
So , all the hair and dye on the floor seems to be worth the small , and more than likely temporary community that was formed this last month. It will be a bit sad to see it end.

Coming soon to a blog near you!

Ok, inspired by my dear friend, Ang... I have decided to publish a post that will be very authentic. I t may take me a few hours, but it will be coming soon! I bet you will all be lining up to your computer screens, as is reflected my my huge long list of comments from the past! HAHA!

OK HERE IT IS ...READ BELOW!

Now what shall I do???????

This week I keep telling myself, if you keep doing the same thing, you will get the same result. Of course I have always known that; but I decide to push it way back, and keep on doing some things the same way, continuing to get the undesired results that seem to keep those areas of my life stagnant.

I took a huge step yesterday from something that I have ignored, for about seven plus years. I guess I need to give a bit of the background behind yesterday... I am very nervous about this, I feel very vulnerable , but here goes it...

About 12 years ago, I was feeling "trapped" I was mainly a stay at home mom, I did do some occasional catering, but it was not full swing yet. I loved the Lord, and was very involved in
"doing" church, I was in dramas, worship team, VBS helper, short term mission trips,made costumes for the kids plays, youth group leader, and the list goes on.... All those things were fine and well, but now that I reflect back, how much of that I was doing to serve the Lord, and how much I was doing to "do church". I still felt like, I wanted to do "more", I had a lot of friends that were registered nurses. I would look at them from the perspective of being financially successful, and also being able to help people why doing so. I felt like (being a pastoral , nurturing type of a person) that that would be a great career for me, all the while ignoring the fact that I actually hate coming in contact with body fluids, and I do not have a grasp for many things that involve measurements, and calculations. I hoped I would overcome that during my training. I decided to take a student loan out and pursue a bachelors degree in nursing. I became involved in catering to bring in an income during my schooling. The catering business became pretty successful , and enjoyable. It was a lot of hard work, and tiring. I did well in school until I was required to take organic chemistry courses and math, up until then I was an excellent nurse on paper. Thats when the reality of math not being a gift of mine started to become deafening. I also became quite worried about having to calculate measurements, etc. At this time, I was entering into senior level courses, and all the coursework required for my degree. I could not pass organic chemistry , I took it three times and could not get higher than a "D", a C or higher was required . At this time the Dutch Village in was being built (2001), and they needed a banquet manager, I was offered the job, and because of all the stress in school. I just finished out the semester, and never went back to school, and I just tried to forget about it.
I felt the job at the Inn would be my career, after several years I was promoted, and I felt like this would just be my lifetime job. I love hospitality. The nurturing, pastoral traits I have fit right into the industry. I love problem solving,organizing communication and all the one on one interaction I have with different people, and hearing the stories about why they are traveling. I just had a guest "cry on my shoulder" for a hour the other day about her son that she was visiting that has mental health issues. I have been sailing along, and settling into this job. As some of you may know, the Inn ownership, reorganized some of our jobs, this included a schedule change, and a huge pay cut. It also knocked my ego down a few notches (which I am sure it needed). Over the last several months I have dealt with living on the edge of what would probably be diagnosed as severe depression (although I have not sought medical advice). I am still trying to sort out exactly what areas are causing the main feelings of being so depressed. Obviously the job change is one, also realizing what a poor money manager I have been had been very stressful.
One of the things that really started getting to me was when I started looking back at the last 10 years or so. I started thinking about how I "threw away" all my schooling. I started thinking about how if I would have stayed at Kent State, I would be done now and well into a career. One step that I bravely took last week was to go to Kent State, and see exactly where I was at. I really had no clue how many credits I have, or anything. When I went to meet with the adviser, I realized that I am only two classes away from an associates degree in liberal arts (doesn't really do anything except say I completed that) and that I am only about three semesters away from a Bachelors degree. There is a new bachelors degree at Kent Eliv. that is communications studies. It is right up my alley, and would actually open doors in many areas, including working in administration, and non profit venues. This degree would take ll the things that I liked about nursing, and hospitality, and funnel them into something that I could actually do.
I have so many questions right now, that mainly center around where and what does God want me to go/do. I ignored him one too many times, and now I want to serve him in a capacity that takes all the things that people tell me I am good at, and use those skills to serve him. Right now I have to decide if going back to school would benefit that direction in my life. People always say, Oh you are so good at... and I want that to not be about me anymore, and I do realize that I must be good at those things for a reason. The challenge is finding out what that is.
Whoa! I wrote a lot! Sorry! I guess I needed to get that out!
So questions I am posing:
How do we know when to make a life changing move like this.
How do we discern if this is "us" wanting to do something for ourselves, or if we are being led by him?
How do we know???
Comments? Anyone???

Friday nights on the porch...

Monday at work.......Tuesday at thelake, a night at a baseball game, an e-mail, a phone call, Wednesday at work, Thursday at the grocery store, a hug at the church, Friday night on the porch, Saturday making fries, Sunday ... I was really very stressed out this week, It is a huge combination of a lot of things, that I won't weigh this down with. I really thougth "how am I going to get through next week?" I keep remembering that HE will uphold me and strengthen me...I have faith in that... So what I decided to do was to recognize how he did that for me this week. Every time i felt like I just couldnt take it, he brought someone into my day;someone that was either a comic relief, a distraction, and ear to listen, someone I could listen to, someone to hug, someone to smile at, someone to cry with, soemone to have a drink with, someone to help, someone to pray for, someone to pray for me... I could go on and on... Only a few of the times were intentional meetings, and were great, but more of them were not. My point is wether or not it is an intentional event, like Friday night on the porch, or a chance meeting at Giant Eagle, every moment you connect with someone is a chance, a chance to do something , a chance to recieve something, a chance to give something.