Next...

Here is my youngest getting ready to head out on the road in his own car...

It seems like yesterday that he was riding around the house on his Tonka tractor!

I don't really have much to say but this event seems to mark the begin of a new era in my life...my kids are getting married, owning cars, so on and so forth...

The future is left unwritten and I am looking forward to seeing what it will bring!

Processing...

I have been diagnosed with Dilated Cardiomyopathy with Mitral Regurgitation- see this link...it is a lot easier than me trying to explain it.

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/dilated-cardiomyopathy/DS01029

I have been having symptoms for a long time and have been ignoring them...for many reasons which I could list, but at this point is is not going to do me any good to go back and say..."I should have..."

Over the last month I have gone through a series of tests, blood work, wearing different versions of heart monitors, in fact I am wearing one right now and for the next thirty days...in three weeks I will meet with my cardiologist and the "Pacemaker doctor" (EP) to discuss the possibility that I may need a pacemaker. I have also been put on two meds, one is a Beta Blocker and the other is an Ace inhibitor. My doctor is also trying to discover the cause . If you read the link, you can see that there are many possibilities. I can rule out Cocaine use, and alcoholism right of the bat! One of the things I was tested for this week was Lupus.

If it wasn't for a dear Friend that has gone through this disease with her spouse, I would have been very shocked to hear my doctor say that, "You are in heart failure." Thankfully , she explained to me before the visit that this is a general term used for heart disease that simply means that your heart is failing to properly function. I am so glad to have her as a resource. It is so strange but all the sudden I feel awkward around my dear Friend that has the same disease, I don't know what to say to him all the sudden! STRANGE! I will work on figuring that out because I think it would be helpful to communicate with him about it!

I am in a period of processing all this information, dealing with the emotion and reality of the whole thing, adjusting to the meds, and trying to rest. I really feel horrible. I am constantly short of breath, having arrhythmia's everyday, tired, and my emotions are all over the place.

I am surrounded my loving caring friends and family and that is amazing, I hope they can understand the changes I am going through. I find myself just randomly starting into John's eyes, and he says, "What's up?" and I can't answer him- I just keep staring at him. One minute I am being my goofball self, and the next I am melting down.

It has been awesome to have Lyndsay and Andrews wedding and my job as a distraction. Hopefully I will be understood at work because I am having trouble focusing, and I have had to come in late/leave early several times for appointments/blood work, etc.

I am trying to be open about this recently so I am not mis-understood. I hope that I can get treated and start feeling better soon. I hope that I can adjust to this so it is not the only thing I can think or talk about.

I will keep moving forward, try not to get discouraged, and turn to those who care about me. I will not let this get the best of me!

Bagel Trials and Dreams...

The day I rolled out these bagels on my first "Bagel Trial" I felt so inspired...The reason for the trials started with me talking about how I would love to open a Bagel shop someday...and Luke said "Do you even know how to make bagels?" and I realized I never had really made them on my own, I had made them with a friend, and watched them being made, so I thought I better try, and it was so inspiring and they turned out great, in taste, need to work on the shape a bit. As I have been thinking about what my dreams are, I really need to break it down...it may be that I want to document my bagel trials and beyond by photojournaling my cooking experiences, I tend to do that and I love it...it may be that I want to be around people in a setting different than I am in, it may be that I want to create and share! I love the feeling of creating food and the responses I get, and how it gathers people together... So number one bagel trial is making me think I need to have number two bagel trial and see what it brings... I will keep you posted...

Chel sells seashells by the seashore...

On my Facebook status recently I said, "Chel wants to sell seashells by the seashore, yeah that's my retirement plan"...

WHY NOT?

That is all I have to say today...

It may get worse before it gets better...

...that is what I keep telling myself.

There is a lot going on in my life right now, those of you who are close to me probably know what is going on, those of you who don't can ask, I will tell you if you want to know...

I am sure that if you know me , it is not a shock for me to confess that I worry too much, that I worry about what others think, about what I said, how I reacted, who I did or didn't include, who I hurt, who I offended, who I forgot, how I look, the impression that others have on anything from my family to my crappy car... I am constantly apologizing for these things... Recently I realized that it really confuses me when I apologize sometimes, it is almost like I am giving an excuse for myself, or not confident enough in my actions.

Right now the things that we are going through as a family are enhancing these emotions ten fold. I am so worried about how others are going to accept or reject us when some of these things become very public, which I am sure will be the case. I wonder if there is a way for me to overcome these feelings that I am having. Is this just something that is a part of my personality? Is this something I can truly give over to God, and let him handle, and why do I feel like I have to hold on to it. One thing that I know I always feel is that, "it is my responsibility, I can fix this, I do not need help." - and the other is the finding the line between what I need to do to take responsibility and having faith that he will provide a way.

I also find that because of all the heaviness in the stuff we are going through that I am damaging some friendships, that I am allowing all this stress to take over, and it seems to make me selfish, in conversation, in thought processes. I find that I rather just avoid "real" conversations for fear of turning all the attention on me. I forget to turn the tables and focus on others, yet when I do it seems as if things get worse, like I ignored it for too long, and like an unattended fire it keeps on burning. For example, we had dear friends come in from out of state recently, and some of this situation was at its height (I hope)- and rather than addressing it, I decided to just push it aside for the visit, and have fun, all the while feeling very fake. I found myself letting the alcohol take over and feeling so good, and wanting to feel that way all the time...and then when it was over, I felt as if I gave up being real, and I felt like a traitor to my authenticity. I also think I came across as distant and un-interested. I feel like I come across like that a lot, and mainly it is because I am constantly sorting out so many things in my mind.

I feel like things are going to get worse before they get better, and maybe I am just telling myself and my family that to prepare, to strengthen us for what is ahead, and if it doesn't it won't seem so bad... if it does I pray that we can keep it all together, and keep hope. I already see signs of crumbling... I keep preaching HOPE to Leah, and to everyone else, yet I am not quite buying it. I hope that I do soon.

In closing I want to say that I strive to be authentic, I want to be inspiring, I want to show my love and live outwardly, I want my friends to turn to me in need...

Confessions continued...

...I am a blog voyeur

...I spend a lot of time thinking about what I should do with my time

...I love cheese and keep trying to figure out how to eat it without getting sick!

...I am extremely, yet very quietly competitive

....I think and worry about my weight daily, yet I cannot seem to lose it...

...I journal , and then I go back and edit my private journals, in case they are found after I die

...I just wrote a confession, decided it was too personal, and deleted it

Samson-Moves forward in his journey...

Today Sam is headed on a trip with John and Luke...to his new home...

I adopted Samson over a year ago from my brother Joshua, he did not have time to take care of him because of his dedication to the Special Olympics and his job taking care of and living with Mentally Challenged adults...being a compassionate person, I wanted to help Josh because he had such a bond with this dog... I later found out why... I am not a dog "person" I grew up with outdoor farm dogs, and never had a dog in the house... I never had a bonding experience with a pet , being that in 40 years i never had one in the house...Sam has issues, a thyroid problem that causes him to have skin problems, odorous, and cherry eye (not in picture because of course he developed it AFTER we had him!) He is just a mess physically! On the other hand he is a great personality... he looks at you with those sad eyes, gets excited when he hears the word "walk"! And he is just a great companion, I can say I have bonded with him, and so has my family... He his name has appeared in every word game we have ever played! He loves Shirene! You should see him jump on her lap! It is the most action she gets! haha Just kidding I had to throw that in!he loves to play fetch, and ride in the car! He makes me smile...but he also makes me have asthma attacks!he has had many nick names Smelly And Mangy, Samsonite, Samion, Samdruff... I have had the worst trouble with having issues with asthma with having him, and he has so many medical issues we can no longer care for him...that is why we made this tough decision to have him move on... After weeks of being referred to person after person, I finally got connected with a lady named Vilma that runs the Thirdtyme rescue...she scolded me at first for not caring for him properly, and then offered to take him... She has a 120 acre farm in Mt Gilead Ohio , and she rescues Corgi and Bernese Mountain Dogs... in fact she has several of them now so he will have some new companions...She is going to give him the surgery for his eye, and care for him, and then put him up for adoption... She has very strict rules that if t he adoptee changes their mind that they have to bring them back to her... So as hard as this is on all of us, we know that he will be in a good place, kind of like the Corgi Hilton! Luke and Leah are pretty bumbed out ,and if you have met John, you have probably had an offer to win Sam, trade him, adopt him, have him show up as a gift, offers for a watch dog, etc, I am sure you can imagine what John is feeling! So Sam moves on, a new era for the Janci fam...if you have been avoiding visiting us because of the Samness, you can come over!

Thank you to everyone that was very patient and tolerent and visited us despite the Samness! We will dearly miss him!