Seven Pills a Day Keeps the Doctor Away?!

For some reason, taking all the meds is getting to me...maybe because they are making me so tired, maybe because I have never taken anything but asthma meds, and vitamins on a regular basis, maybe because I feel worse than before I started taking them, or that I feel dependent on them...I guess I am. I have come to the realization that I will be on at least two of the meds (accounts for four pills/day) for the rest of my life, and the fact that they seem to make me feel worse rather than better, seems to be a looming reality. I think if I took these meds, and I felt great, I would look forward to taking them! When I went for the Echo last week I was told that the enlargement had not gone down at all, and nothing had changed. I was a bit disappointed in that, until I had encouragement from those around me, with words of wisdom and support. I am so blessed to be surrounded by loving people that each have one way or another to encourage. Some it is simply saying that they love me, for others it is "tough love", and for some it is taking a laundry basket up the steps, or offering to help with my daughters shower. Whatever it is, it is all valuable and is helping me cope with the DCM... So I will continue to take the meds, and follow the Dr.'s advice...eat healthy...( I have made significant changes in that area I will blog about in the future) I am not completely discouraged, I am really not. I just needed to write it down. Chel

Next...

Here is my youngest getting ready to head out on the road in his own car...

It seems like yesterday that he was riding around the house on his Tonka tractor!

I don't really have much to say but this event seems to mark the begin of a new era in my life...my kids are getting married, owning cars, so on and so forth...

The future is left unwritten and I am looking forward to seeing what it will bring!

Processing...

I have been diagnosed with Dilated Cardiomyopathy with Mitral Regurgitation- see this link...it is a lot easier than me trying to explain it.

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/dilated-cardiomyopathy/DS01029

I have been having symptoms for a long time and have been ignoring them...for many reasons which I could list, but at this point is is not going to do me any good to go back and say..."I should have..."

Over the last month I have gone through a series of tests, blood work, wearing different versions of heart monitors, in fact I am wearing one right now and for the next thirty days...in three weeks I will meet with my cardiologist and the "Pacemaker doctor" (EP) to discuss the possibility that I may need a pacemaker. I have also been put on two meds, one is a Beta Blocker and the other is an Ace inhibitor. My doctor is also trying to discover the cause . If you read the link, you can see that there are many possibilities. I can rule out Cocaine use, and alcoholism right of the bat! One of the things I was tested for this week was Lupus.

If it wasn't for a dear Friend that has gone through this disease with her spouse, I would have been very shocked to hear my doctor say that, "You are in heart failure." Thankfully , she explained to me before the visit that this is a general term used for heart disease that simply means that your heart is failing to properly function. I am so glad to have her as a resource. It is so strange but all the sudden I feel awkward around my dear Friend that has the same disease, I don't know what to say to him all the sudden! STRANGE! I will work on figuring that out because I think it would be helpful to communicate with him about it!

I am in a period of processing all this information, dealing with the emotion and reality of the whole thing, adjusting to the meds, and trying to rest. I really feel horrible. I am constantly short of breath, having arrhythmia's everyday, tired, and my emotions are all over the place.

I am surrounded my loving caring friends and family and that is amazing, I hope they can understand the changes I am going through. I find myself just randomly starting into John's eyes, and he says, "What's up?" and I can't answer him- I just keep staring at him. One minute I am being my goofball self, and the next I am melting down.

It has been awesome to have Lyndsay and Andrews wedding and my job as a distraction. Hopefully I will be understood at work because I am having trouble focusing, and I have had to come in late/leave early several times for appointments/blood work, etc.

I am trying to be open about this recently so I am not mis-understood. I hope that I can get treated and start feeling better soon. I hope that I can adjust to this so it is not the only thing I can think or talk about.

I will keep moving forward, try not to get discouraged, and turn to those who care about me. I will not let this get the best of me!

Bagel Trials and Dreams...

The day I rolled out these bagels on my first "Bagel Trial" I felt so inspired...The reason for the trials started with me talking about how I would love to open a Bagel shop someday...and Luke said "Do you even know how to make bagels?" and I realized I never had really made them on my own, I had made them with a friend, and watched them being made, so I thought I better try, and it was so inspiring and they turned out great, in taste, need to work on the shape a bit. As I have been thinking about what my dreams are, I really need to break it down...it may be that I want to document my bagel trials and beyond by photojournaling my cooking experiences, I tend to do that and I love it...it may be that I want to be around people in a setting different than I am in, it may be that I want to create and share! I love the feeling of creating food and the responses I get, and how it gathers people together... So number one bagel trial is making me think I need to have number two bagel trial and see what it brings... I will keep you posted...

Chel sells seashells by the seashore...

On my Facebook status recently I said, "Chel wants to sell seashells by the seashore, yeah that's my retirement plan"...

WHY NOT?

That is all I have to say today...

It may get worse before it gets better...

...that is what I keep telling myself.

There is a lot going on in my life right now, those of you who are close to me probably know what is going on, those of you who don't can ask, I will tell you if you want to know...

I am sure that if you know me , it is not a shock for me to confess that I worry too much, that I worry about what others think, about what I said, how I reacted, who I did or didn't include, who I hurt, who I offended, who I forgot, how I look, the impression that others have on anything from my family to my crappy car... I am constantly apologizing for these things... Recently I realized that it really confuses me when I apologize sometimes, it is almost like I am giving an excuse for myself, or not confident enough in my actions.

Right now the things that we are going through as a family are enhancing these emotions ten fold. I am so worried about how others are going to accept or reject us when some of these things become very public, which I am sure will be the case. I wonder if there is a way for me to overcome these feelings that I am having. Is this just something that is a part of my personality? Is this something I can truly give over to God, and let him handle, and why do I feel like I have to hold on to it. One thing that I know I always feel is that, "it is my responsibility, I can fix this, I do not need help." - and the other is the finding the line between what I need to do to take responsibility and having faith that he will provide a way.

I also find that because of all the heaviness in the stuff we are going through that I am damaging some friendships, that I am allowing all this stress to take over, and it seems to make me selfish, in conversation, in thought processes. I find that I rather just avoid "real" conversations for fear of turning all the attention on me. I forget to turn the tables and focus on others, yet when I do it seems as if things get worse, like I ignored it for too long, and like an unattended fire it keeps on burning. For example, we had dear friends come in from out of state recently, and some of this situation was at its height (I hope)- and rather than addressing it, I decided to just push it aside for the visit, and have fun, all the while feeling very fake. I found myself letting the alcohol take over and feeling so good, and wanting to feel that way all the time...and then when it was over, I felt as if I gave up being real, and I felt like a traitor to my authenticity. I also think I came across as distant and un-interested. I feel like I come across like that a lot, and mainly it is because I am constantly sorting out so many things in my mind.

I feel like things are going to get worse before they get better, and maybe I am just telling myself and my family that to prepare, to strengthen us for what is ahead, and if it doesn't it won't seem so bad... if it does I pray that we can keep it all together, and keep hope. I already see signs of crumbling... I keep preaching HOPE to Leah, and to everyone else, yet I am not quite buying it. I hope that I do soon.

In closing I want to say that I strive to be authentic, I want to be inspiring, I want to show my love and live outwardly, I want my friends to turn to me in need...

Confessions continued...

...I am a blog voyeur

...I spend a lot of time thinking about what I should do with my time

...I love cheese and keep trying to figure out how to eat it without getting sick!

...I am extremely, yet very quietly competitive

....I think and worry about my weight daily, yet I cannot seem to lose it...

...I journal , and then I go back and edit my private journals, in case they are found after I die

...I just wrote a confession, decided it was too personal, and deleted it