...that is what I keep telling myself.
There is a lot going on in my life right now, those of you who are close to me probably know what is going on, those of you who don't can ask, I will tell you if you want to know...
I am sure that if you know me , it is not a shock for me to confess that I worry too much, that I worry about what others think, about what I said, how I reacted, who I did or didn't include, who I hurt, who I offended, who I forgot, how I look, the impression that others have on anything from my family to my crappy car... I am constantly apologizing for these things... Recently I realized that it really confuses me when I apologize sometimes, it is almost like I am giving an excuse for myself, or not confident enough in my actions.
Right now the things that we are going through as a family are enhancing these emotions ten fold. I am so worried about how others are going to accept or reject us when some of these things become very public, which I am sure will be the case. I wonder if there is a way for me to overcome these feelings that I am having. Is this just something that is a part of my personality? Is this something I can truly give over to God, and let him handle, and why do I feel like I have to hold on to it. One thing that I know I always feel is that, "it is my responsibility, I can fix this, I do not need help." - and the other is the finding the line between what I need to do to take responsibility and having faith that he will provide a way.
I also find that because of all the heaviness in the stuff we are going through that I am damaging some friendships, that I am allowing all this stress to take over, and it seems to make me selfish, in conversation, in thought processes. I find that I rather just avoid "real" conversations for fear of turning all the attention on me. I forget to turn the tables and focus on others, yet when I do it seems as if things get worse, like I ignored it for too long, and like an unattended fire it keeps on burning. For example, we had dear friends come in from out of state recently, and some of this situation was at its height (I hope)- and rather than addressing it, I decided to just push it aside for the visit, and have fun, all the while feeling very fake. I found myself letting the alcohol take over and feeling so good, and wanting to feel that way all the time...and then when it was over, I felt as if I gave up being real, and I felt like a traitor to my authenticity. I also think I came across as distant and un-interested. I feel like I come across like that a lot, and mainly it is because I am constantly sorting out so many things in my mind.
I feel like things are going to get worse before they get better, and maybe I am just telling myself and my family that to prepare, to strengthen us for what is ahead, and if it doesn't it won't seem so bad... if it does I pray that we can keep it all together, and keep hope. I already see signs of crumbling... I keep preaching HOPE to Leah, and to everyone else, yet I am not quite buying it. I hope that I do soon.
In closing I want to say that I strive to be authentic, I want to be inspiring, I want to show my love and live outwardly, I want my friends to turn to me in need...