Thursday, July 03, 2008

Now what shall I do???????

This week I keep telling myself, if you keep doing the same thing, you will get the same result. Of course I have always known that; but I decide to push it way back, and keep on doing some things the same way, continuing to get the undesired results that seem to keep those areas of my life stagnant.

I took a huge step yesterday from something that I have ignored, for about seven plus years. I guess I need to give a bit of the background behind yesterday... I am very nervous about this, I feel very vulnerable , but here goes it...

About 12 years ago, I was feeling "trapped" I was mainly a stay at home mom, I did do some occasional catering, but it was not full swing yet. I loved the Lord, and was very involved in
"doing" church, I was in dramas, worship team, VBS helper, short term mission trips,made costumes for the kids plays, youth group leader, and the list goes on.... All those things were fine and well, but now that I reflect back, how much of that I was doing to serve the Lord, and how much I was doing to "do church". I still felt like, I wanted to do "more", I had a lot of friends that were registered nurses. I would look at them from the perspective of being financially successful, and also being able to help people why doing so. I felt like (being a pastoral , nurturing type of a person) that that would be a great career for me, all the while ignoring the fact that I actually hate coming in contact with body fluids, and I do not have a grasp for many things that involve measurements, and calculations. I hoped I would overcome that during my training. I decided to take a student loan out and pursue a bachelors degree in nursing. I became involved in catering to bring in an income during my schooling. The catering business became pretty successful , and enjoyable. It was a lot of hard work, and tiring. I did well in school until I was required to take organic chemistry courses and math, up until then I was an excellent nurse on paper. Thats when the reality of math not being a gift of mine started to become deafening. I also became quite worried about having to calculate measurements, etc. At this time, I was entering into senior level courses, and all the coursework required for my degree. I could not pass organic chemistry , I took it three times and could not get higher than a "D", a C or higher was required . At this time the Dutch Village in was being built (2001), and they needed a banquet manager, I was offered the job, and because of all the stress in school. I just finished out the semester, and never went back to school, and I just tried to forget about it.
I felt the job at the Inn would be my career, after several years I was promoted, and I felt like this would just be my lifetime job. I love hospitality. The nurturing, pastoral traits I have fit right into the industry. I love problem solving,organizing communication and all the one on one interaction I have with different people, and hearing the stories about why they are traveling. I just had a guest "cry on my shoulder" for a hour the other day about her son that she was visiting that has mental health issues. I have been sailing along, and settling into this job. As some of you may know, the Inn ownership, reorganized some of our jobs, this included a schedule change, and a huge pay cut. It also knocked my ego down a few notches (which I am sure it needed). Over the last several months I have dealt with living on the edge of what would probably be diagnosed as severe depression (although I have not sought medical advice). I am still trying to sort out exactly what areas are causing the main feelings of being so depressed. Obviously the job change is one, also realizing what a poor money manager I have been had been very stressful.
One of the things that really started getting to me was when I started looking back at the last 10 years or so. I started thinking about how I "threw away" all my schooling. I started thinking about how if I would have stayed at Kent State, I would be done now and well into a career. One step that I bravely took last week was to go to Kent State, and see exactly where I was at. I really had no clue how many credits I have, or anything. When I went to meet with the adviser, I realized that I am only two classes away from an associates degree in liberal arts (doesn't really do anything except say I completed that) and that I am only about three semesters away from a Bachelors degree. There is a new bachelors degree at Kent Eliv. that is communications studies. It is right up my alley, and would actually open doors in many areas, including working in administration, and non profit venues. This degree would take ll the things that I liked about nursing, and hospitality, and funnel them into something that I could actually do.
I have so many questions right now, that mainly center around where and what does God want me to go/do. I ignored him one too many times, and now I want to serve him in a capacity that takes all the things that people tell me I am good at, and use those skills to serve him. Right now I have to decide if going back to school would benefit that direction in my life. People always say, Oh you are so good at... and I want that to not be about me anymore, and I do realize that I must be good at those things for a reason. The challenge is finding out what that is.
Whoa! I wrote a lot! Sorry! I guess I needed to get that out!
So questions I am posing:
How do we know when to make a life changing move like this.
How do we discern if this is "us" wanting to do something for ourselves, or if we are being led by him?
How do we know???
Comments? Anyone???


*Austin Mommy* said...

Chel, first of all I am SO proud of you for being so vulnerable! That was a big step for you, I know, and I really appreciate your openness and honesty. It is encouraging for me to do the same. You are supported and loved very much. You are beautiful! Your questions are difficult because I'm not certain that there are right or wrong answers to them. I've always struggled with the same questions. I've found that when my heart aches, or beats faster about something, it's time to do it. The fact that you went ahead and went to Kent to check out where you are is a great first step! And you're so close!! If you believe it's right, I believe that God will make a way - financially, emotionally, etc. Don't doubt yourself and your abilities - you are amazing! I'll be praying with you. :)

Dave and Betsy: said...

That was a very brave thing for you to write. Thanks so much for sharing that journey. It really seems like you are very aware of your God given giftings and how you may use them daily. You seem to be miles ahead of most people in that area, for sure.

As for knowing God's call or not...if you find out, let me know. I wish I had more. I only know that Bets and I are here for you guys and are blessed to have a part in your journey now.

We'll see what happens, I guess.

ChelChel said...

My family and I are truly blessed to be surrounded my such awesome people that are trying to figure out where God is calling them.
Thanks for your comments!