Do not worry.

I posted part of this on Facebook today- but I wanted to expand for my Blogger friends:

As I was looking out the window this morning I saw a little bird cleaning itself and protecting its nest. That image reminded me of one of my most precious verses : Matt 6:26, "Look at the birds of the air, they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, ye your Heavenly Father takes care of them, are they not more valuable than you?"

This is a verse that I cling to and remind myself often. I am a total worrier- I worry about what I said or didn't say- I worry about my children, my spouse, my Friends, my family. I worry about little things from years ago, like "maybe I should have let my friend pay for that meal, but I didn't want them to think we always expect them to pay" or " I should have called" or "I should have wrote a letter", the list could go on an on. I worry about my health- especially now. I worry about money, and things I should have and should not have not in regard to it.

I need to remind myself of this promise on a daily basis- it is a lot easier said than done, but I know that HE will take care of us, and he has plans to prosper and not harm us. It is at the difficult times that we sometimes feel so close to those promises, and hold onto them with hope.

When I was in the hospital recently, I was visited by the Chaplin twice, and she gave me a really cool analogy, that was introduced by Anne Grahm Lotts- to make the 18 inch leap between your head (trust) to your heart (faith)- she went onto say that a lot of us trust that Jesus will take care of us, but we don't allow ourselves to have faith that he really will- we still worry.

So I am telling myself today, "Do not worry"

I hope this gives you some comfort as well.

Battery Included...

Battery Included...

At the end of June I had a follow up Echo cardiogram, and the very next morning my cardiologist called me...(that's never a good sign) He told me that my Ejection Fraction (google it) was decreasing, this last Echo showed it to be between 30-30%, the previous Echo I had in April was 40%- Because of this, he suggested that I get a second opinion, and take a more aggressive approach to my treatment for the Congestive Heart Failure. His recommendation was to go to the Cleveland Clinic to meet with a doctor there. This past Monday was my appointment at the Clinic. Over the waiting time (between the echo in June and this appointment) I was feeling worse.

I am feeling tired, and short of breath and really emotional , and I am having a lot of PVC's.

Also over the time I was waiting for the trip to Cleveland, I was joking about feeling like "Dorothy waiting to go to OZ"- there are so many similarities! (Comparing the Doctors at the Clinic to the 'Great and Powerful Oz"..."If I only had a {good} heart" ,etc.) the most ironic thing about that comparison was the fact that when we pulled up to the Miller family Heart pavilion, it was a tall green tinted glass building! -My Oz! I felt like Dorothy felt , full of excitement to find my answer, and fear of what lies ahead, I entered the large green building...

On Monday, I met with three Doctors, Dr. Zimbwa a cardiologist, Dr. Hsich , the attending cardiologist, and Dr. Kanj, and electrophysiologist. I also had to go back on Tuesday for a cardiac MRI and I elected to meet with Cardiac Rehab nutritionist while I was up there that day for the MRI
The very short version of the results of the visit are:
1. I will have to have an ICD-Pacemaker placed in my body, on November 11.
2. MY meds were adjusted and added to , now I am on 9 medications a day.
3.I will be following a strict Heart Failure/Diabetic diet.

4.The Cardiac MRI showed more fluid around my heart-lungs than was revealed on the Echo, so one of the additional meds that was added is a second diuretic that, along with the dietary sodium reduction, they hope will pull the extra fluid away from my body...

Right now I am trying to process all of this, the emotion of the journey ahead of me, adjusting to the new meds, and feeling physically spent, and the financial reality of all this is becoming a bit overwhelming.

I am working hard on being thankful.
I am thankful for...

My support system of family and friends.
Doctors with knowledge, skills and access to technology.

That I have a job
That I have a plan of action, which has a very positive outlook of feeling better in time.

I know that there are many more things I can add to that list at this time, these are the most important and the things I am focusing on.

There is a line from a Mumford and Sons song that I keep focusing on that says "You are not alone in this, as brothers we will stand and we'll hold your hand."
As I turn 42 years old tomorrow, my hope is that this 42nd year of my life will be one of healing, hope, growth ,positivity and joy! I also hope that I can get back to the part of me that likes to share positivity and joy! I know I can get there again!

Breaking my "avoid being alone principles"...

I was inspired by this video, I have always had trouble being alone, and want to figure out how. My dear friend , Betsy has always been a good example of this. When I watched this video I was reminded of her stories of going out on a date with herself...I need to figure out how to do this...I think it will help with my previous post...

I have good days and bad days, and this one is...

You are probably wondering why I put this photo on with this post...it is because this was a good day, I have many, this was a really good one, it was almost a year ago, and my toes were in the warm sand on Longboat Key...the other reason, is because of my tattoo...I chose the tattoo with a lot of thought over a year ago on my 40th birthday. It says "Thank You" in several different languages. I love culture and language, but I also am a very thankful person, sometimes I forget that part of "me"...I need to focus on what I am thankful for. I feel that when one is going through emotional or physical trauma (in my case my health and the stuff going on with Leah) that our emotions tend to default to negative emotions. I feel like we need to be very intentional about being positive an work at it. I am trying very hard to do this. My new canned response when someone asks me how I am doing is "I have good days and bad days, today seems like a good one!" , I need to mix it up a bit so my response is more authentic and sincere, but this is my first attempt at getting back to my core ,the positive ,and thankful me.

I do want to be very careful not to be fake or nonchalant, because there is some really serious tough shit going on in my life. I can not pretend like it is not happening, but I also can find the positive in every situation, and I have a huge list of things to be thankful for.

I want to feel JOY! I am ready for it! Bring it on!

-Chel

Seven Pills a Day Keeps the Doctor Away?!

For some reason, taking all the meds is getting to me...maybe because they are making me so tired, maybe because I have never taken anything but asthma meds, and vitamins on a regular basis, maybe because I feel worse than before I started taking them, or that I feel dependent on them...I guess I am. I have come to the realization that I will be on at least two of the meds (accounts for four pills/day) for the rest of my life, and the fact that they seem to make me feel worse rather than better, seems to be a looming reality. I think if I took these meds, and I felt great, I would look forward to taking them! When I went for the Echo last week I was told that the enlargement had not gone down at all, and nothing had changed. I was a bit disappointed in that, until I had encouragement from those around me, with words of wisdom and support. I am so blessed to be surrounded by loving people that each have one way or another to encourage. Some it is simply saying that they love me, for others it is "tough love", and for some it is taking a laundry basket up the steps, or offering to help with my daughters shower. Whatever it is, it is all valuable and is helping me cope with the DCM... So I will continue to take the meds, and follow the Dr.'s advice...eat healthy...( I have made significant changes in that area I will blog about in the future) I am not completely discouraged, I am really not. I just needed to write it down. Chel

Next...

Here is my youngest getting ready to head out on the road in his own car...

It seems like yesterday that he was riding around the house on his Tonka tractor!

I don't really have much to say but this event seems to mark the begin of a new era in my life...my kids are getting married, owning cars, so on and so forth...

The future is left unwritten and I am looking forward to seeing what it will bring!

Processing...

I have been diagnosed with Dilated Cardiomyopathy with Mitral Regurgitation- see this link...it is a lot easier than me trying to explain it.

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/dilated-cardiomyopathy/DS01029

I have been having symptoms for a long time and have been ignoring them...for many reasons which I could list, but at this point is is not going to do me any good to go back and say..."I should have..."

Over the last month I have gone through a series of tests, blood work, wearing different versions of heart monitors, in fact I am wearing one right now and for the next thirty days...in three weeks I will meet with my cardiologist and the "Pacemaker doctor" (EP) to discuss the possibility that I may need a pacemaker. I have also been put on two meds, one is a Beta Blocker and the other is an Ace inhibitor. My doctor is also trying to discover the cause . If you read the link, you can see that there are many possibilities. I can rule out Cocaine use, and alcoholism right of the bat! One of the things I was tested for this week was Lupus.

If it wasn't for a dear Friend that has gone through this disease with her spouse, I would have been very shocked to hear my doctor say that, "You are in heart failure." Thankfully , she explained to me before the visit that this is a general term used for heart disease that simply means that your heart is failing to properly function. I am so glad to have her as a resource. It is so strange but all the sudden I feel awkward around my dear Friend that has the same disease, I don't know what to say to him all the sudden! STRANGE! I will work on figuring that out because I think it would be helpful to communicate with him about it!

I am in a period of processing all this information, dealing with the emotion and reality of the whole thing, adjusting to the meds, and trying to rest. I really feel horrible. I am constantly short of breath, having arrhythmia's everyday, tired, and my emotions are all over the place.

I am surrounded my loving caring friends and family and that is amazing, I hope they can understand the changes I am going through. I find myself just randomly starting into John's eyes, and he says, "What's up?" and I can't answer him- I just keep staring at him. One minute I am being my goofball self, and the next I am melting down.

It has been awesome to have Lyndsay and Andrews wedding and my job as a distraction. Hopefully I will be understood at work because I am having trouble focusing, and I have had to come in late/leave early several times for appointments/blood work, etc.

I am trying to be open about this recently so I am not mis-understood. I hope that I can get treated and start feeling better soon. I hope that I can adjust to this so it is not the only thing I can think or talk about.

I will keep moving forward, try not to get discouraged, and turn to those who care about me. I will not let this get the best of me!